I frickin love this song. For several reasons. First of all, the robot dancing line is fucking genius. Cuz robots are sick, and the concept of robots doing something as irrational as dancing is to me, achingly beautiful. This song makes me feel so wistful-- I really think it is totally gorgeous. And it speaks to me on so many levels, One especially resonates with me -- feeling safe and strong because of my love. It captures the essence of some of the things i feel about him, and the absence of him because he is a million billion miles away and I can barely hold my ribcage together with out him. Its so beautiful it hurts!

"Untouchable" by Girls Aloud

Through wind and rain we got here
Now we're flying babe with no fear
We've been doing pain for so long
When I stare in your eyes it's all gone
Through wind and rain we burn bright
Learn to fly through flames and hold tight
With so many ways to go wrong
But when I look in your eyes they're all gone

And in my dreams it feels like we are forty storeys tall
When you're around ooooh we're untouchable
And in my dreams it feels like we aren't ever gonna fall
We're safe and sound and we're untouchable

It's only real when you're not around
I'm walking in the rain the sun goes down (oh, oh)
And only love can save us now
I need you here again to show me how (oh, oh)

I know that love shouldn't be so hard
And sometimes we're standing in the dark
But you light up everywhere I go
And I know a heart shouldn't beat so hard
And sometimes we're swimming with the sharks
But you light up and keep me out the cold

And in my dreams it feels like we are forty storeys tall
When you're around ooooh we're untouchable
And in my dreams it feels like we aren't ever gonna fall
We're safe and sound and we're untouchable

It's only real when you're not around
The candle in my head is burning out (oh, oh)
I know that love shouldn't be so hard
And sometimes we're standing in the dark
But you light up everywhere I go
And I know a heart shouldn't beat so hard
And sometimes we're swimming with the sharks
But you light up and keep me out the cold

And in my dreams it feels like we are forty storeys tall
When you're around ooooh we're untouchable
And in my dreams it feels like we aren't ever gonna fall
We're safe and sound and we're untouchable

Whenever you're gone, gone
They wait at the door
And everything's hurting like before
Without any meaning
We're just skin and bone
Like beautiful robots dancing alone

Whenever you're gone, gone
They wait at the door
And everything's hurting like a bore
Without any meaning
We're just skin and bone
Like beautiful robots dancing alone

And in my dreams it feels like we are forty storeys tall
When you're around ooooh we're untouchable
And in my dreams it feels like we aren't ever gonna fall
We're safe and sound and we're untouchable

Doing great so far! Feeling great about it. Like this huge peace that everything is on track and stable. I just want so badly to be balanced to stick to one thing and do it and fucking yeah.

So weigh in:
 122.8 what a perfect beautiful number haha. Thats gotta be good luck :)

work at 4:30-8:30, then I don't know. I kind of want to take it easy, have a gentle night. I gotta keep it up sticking to the plan, im hungry but the emptiness feels so good.

Wow. Totally nuts.




How do I sum up the past 8 months?

meds, docs, psychs, therapists, break ups, destroyed friendships, a new love, reawakening to my life, therapy, graduation, depression, anxiety, revelation, two new jobs, some new blossoming friendships, extreme financial worries, trying to gain some balance and identity. Still striving for thin perfection.


Tomorrow is going to be a new beginning for me. I need it so badly, I've been warming up to it lol. I've been yo-yoing so much, mostly between 118-122, which is okay I guess... barely. Not good enough. I need to fucking get on my game again and get back my restraint and control. I hate feeling like I'm "spilling over the edges", literally and figuratively. This eating disorder is like holding a glass of too full water and trying to jump up and down with it and not spill a single drop. I need to quit the jumping and just hold... perfectly... still.

So. Plan!

I'm not sure my exact weight atm its around 123. I'm gonna weigh in tmoz morning officially for the first count. Then it'll go 118, 114, and im setting my "for now ultimate goal weight" (god I'm so sick lolz) at 108. I may just be able to compromise at that. Toned muscles, increased flexibility. As soon as I get the money a gym membership.

Food Plan: I've got everything I need to do this amazingly. For now I've decided my best way is strict unbendable routine. Its just what works.

Bfast- 2 lowfat whole wheat waffles with sugar free syrup= 150, vitamins
Snack- chug a large glass of cold water, gum
Lunch- veggie dog on whole wheat bun= 200
Snack- diet soda
Dinner- 1 cup brown rice and serving of veggies (rice= 150, veggies vary 35-50)
Desert- sugar free jello cup= 10

herbal tea any time.

So all in all itll be under 600/day, which is sooo much but I'm gonna try to stick to it for just some normalcy, routine, and balance. We'll see how it goes I will try to be really good abour logging it all and being amazing at it :)
I'm really stoked for results. I feel like if I can at least keep this perfect everything else can be totally crazy and I can love it.

<3~*xo